They’re a fourth grader now. And nearly a black belt in tae kwon do. Except… Child is afraid of hurting people and getting hurt themself.
They go to school again. Homeschooling was fun for a while. Then they just starting fighting everything. Our personalities being the same only helps so far. They’ve reached that independence streak all kids hit eventually. They’re learning bad habits from other kids at school. Thy’re also learning the world is mean. I explained to them the world is mean, but now that they’re at school they see it.
Also they have been getting good at explaining their knowledge to others. I always sucked at group work. Everyone else was stupid and easily distracted. I wanted to get everything done as quickly as possible, so I could move on with my life. Mostly because I know I’ll get distracted away and never return. That’s how my mind works.
It seriously would have been better if I was diagnosed correctly as a child. Or at least treated with the realization my brain will never match up to normal. As they point out now many of the typical female actions of autism just look crazy. I was marked crazy. Even in elementary school, I was sent to the school psychologist.
Knowing child has the same strain of issues, I took them out of school to counter the worst of it. To show and explain what is normal, so they could pretend at least some of the time. they’ve always been friendly. Once they see you as safe, they’re your best friend. They don’t sound off. They don’t look off. Nothing about them screams “I’m Different”. But they are.
My fears sending them back to school had two levels: the teachers are stupid and have no idea how to handle a neurologically different child; and the students are bad so they end up teaching Cyro all the bad traits in the world. The teachers seem to know how to handle their neurological differences. (No they really didn’t.) They prompt Cyro into opening up and making new friends. It helps. My fourth grade teacher destroyed me and the kids in that class were the most open with bullying. Cyro’s classmates aren’t the worst of the worst. But they’re also noticing something these kids have picked up: biasism. Cyro’s favorite people do not fall into the most loved group. Cyro doesn’t even realize it.
I have two half siblings, who have three half siblings. Two of them are Black. They cannot pass for white even if their mother is pasty. I worry for them often since I know they deal with racism all the time, even from within the family. My half siblings are cruel people subconsciously hateful towards any group marked “different”. It was one of the big reasons I pulled so far away from them. Because there is no way they can consider their half siblings anything but “different”.
Anyway the reason I bring them up is Cyro adores my half siblings’s half sibling. No idea why. It could be he’s cool, or strong looking, or just smiles so easily around Cyro. Cyro will randomly ask if he’s coming by. Mostly they just stare at him like this person is the best thing since slice bread. (Reminder, autistics will have a tendency to just stare at cool things, because cool stuff deserves it.) It kinda freaks my half sibling’s half sibling out. Cyro doesn’t mean anything bad by it.
Cyro’s favorite older kid at tae kwon do is Hispanic. Their favorite their age kid just happens to be Filipino ancestry. Born and raised here, the kid is all American. No idea why Cyro picked him out of everyone. Maybe because he will have his dad show up more than most do. Cyro doesn’t have one of those. The awe of having a real father may have drew out a connection. Most of the kids have their father show up occasionally, this one normally gets Dad to bring him to the dojang (dojo). Cyro typically has their uncle take them. Cyro picks their uncle out of everyone to take them. I think it’s the random visits to convenience stores afterward that makes them pick their uncle.
Their favorite music has become quite popular. But still not typical. Big Bang is an old group from South Korea. Their first songs are older than Cyro. (It may have been tae kwon do.)
Cyro’s other favorite isn’t well known. Great Big Sea is a Newfoundland band. A well known one in Newfoundland. People on the mainland of Canada may know them. But here? Not so much. Child really picks odd groups to fall for. (Probably my friend from Newfoundland caused this.)
I am not sure what to do honestly. Do they have a mind enough to think for themself? I worry. Cyro is smart, strong, and capable. I want to protect them, but I also want them able to stand on their own. It’s why I press chores and school and tae kwon do. The kid can already handle half the chores of a grown adult.
Am I doing this parenting thing right? I’m not perfect. I feel like I’m yelling too much. It also feels like they never listen.
When I’m dead and gone, will my child have everything they need to function? My death looks ever more imminent. What stories I have will be left behind. Nothing can really get screwed up there. (Future people do whatever you feel like with them. I’ll be done with them by then.) What concerns me most is the people I leave behind when my heart finally says enough is enough. Have I changed them for the better? Have I given them useful skills? Are they ready for life without me? I always train and teach. Have I done enough of it? Cyro worries me the most. Is Cyro ready for life without me? Will they ever be?