I mentioned yesterday on my fb post that I’ve stated where I fall in the LBGTA+ spectrum is somewhere on my blog. I found it hidden in a few places actually. I’m not afraid to bring it up when it affects me writing. It does more often than you realize.
I am in the closet though with nearly everyone. I don’t tell me my orientation or gender expression. No one knows. Based on the way I dress, look, act, and my history it’s easy to just assume I’m that typical white female who’s looking for a typical white male.
If I only had white males to chose from, I would be asexual. As I look over my sexual orientation, I’d call myself grey. And it’s not just males I look at. My sexual desires cross boundaries. So I’d be pansexual and grey sexual. Honestly, the first person I was sexually attracted to was female. It was sixth grade. That’s the typical time to find others sexually attractive. Beyond her, though, I didn’t find anyone attractive in school. I played a game looking to others to figure out who I should be attracted to. That gave me directions and interests.
My romantic side of things is also pan. I am interested in romance from everyone with no regard for gender. There are points I desperately need sexual or romantic desires from females or those portraying such. Nothing has come out of it. No matter how much I’ve wanted any particular type, nothing has ever come out of it.
I’ve had several boyfriends. Not a single girlfriend. Of those I had, I was only attracted to one of them. At first anyway. I’m demiromantic to literally everyone. That’s why it’s been friend turning into relationship more often than not. FYI: he was Korean American; Out of every group I find Koreans to be the hottest. None of my female friends have ever tried.
Now for gender. I’m far more open with my pansexual, demiromantic, greysexual, panromantic orientation. It’s more acceptable. I’m more used to it. I knew I was pan more than ten years ago. I can state it to people. I’m not afraid. And if you watch me, it’s clear I’m not straight. If you listen to my words on the topic my entire life, I’ve never been straight.
My gender isn’t female. I had no idea that was an option. I figured dysphoria is normal. Suffering with the wrong body is normal. How do you even tell people I feel wrong like this?
But not always. Sometimes I’m in love with my body. I love the curves. I love being female.
So then why did I have periods of hating being female?
It’s new knowledge. I’m genderfluid. Sometimes I fall into the male side of humanity. And being shoved away hurts. It always did. Sometimes I love being the female I am. Most of the time I’m sitting on the fence or have traits of both. That would mean I follow non-binary.
If you check out stream of conscious, you’ll notice me bring up how bad my environment is. It’s important I stay in the closet. I’m not safe in my home. I’m not safe in my community. These people wish to butcher me. I used to think so highly of where I come from. I have no idea why. They were horrible to me. But it’s probably the same reason people stay religious.
So I am genderfluid.
When I think it over I feel as if I would do best with another who is genderfluid. Which would make me homosexual. This moving is so weird. It’s hard to explain. It’s hard to handle. Some days I want to doll myself up and other days I wish to hide in a hoodie and sunglasses. I do have male clothes. Clothes I put on because I feel annoyed by my body. I can became hateful by taking a shower or getting changed. There are points I wish to cut myself not as in suicide, but as in top surgery. I shouldn’t because that fucks over the times I’m actually happy like this.
I rarely explain things unless I have some time. Like my close friends know I am genderfluid pansexual. I will fight tooth and nail since I can tell Cyro is the same. Their sexual and romantic interests cross boundaries in this society. Their gender doesn’t stay in one spot. It has me trying to recall what words or actions I needed when I was their age. I need to buy them a dress, so they can feel comfortable when female fully comes forward. Yet they would be injured by my family. They’re not allowed to be female with a male body.
How can I fight?
This is just another of several reasons why I need to get out. But I can’t. The social net in this country isn’t good enough to offer me the security. So instead I get torture all the time. Torture in exchange for security. Is this secure?
At least my friends realize. At least I have that support. Not even my mom supports me here. She refuses to understand. She doesn’t want to understand. She lives in a hole. I would be fine completely losing all contact with every single family member. They aren’t a real family. They never supported me.
Where to find in the blog: WIP Teen Test Train (My genderfluid was handled by writing as Stephen.) Stream of Conscious (mentions of everything, I think) Writing (mentions my pansexual status)
Although I don’t think I went into much detail anywhere. That’s why I wrote this. I wanted it to be easy to find for someone who is actually interested.
This is why I write LGBTA+ I am there. And at points I fall into many of the different labels. Still I am me. Tell me if you notice something off.
TL;DR I am genderfluid. I am a pansexual, demisexual, greysexual, panromantic. Ask questions if those terms confuse you. Or if you want to know more. This is years coming to a conclusion.
Cat Hartliebe 