Or an impossible wish…
Normally I have horrible dreams.
Dreams that most people would call nightmares. But they’re so common, I don’t have the terror a nightmare should bring. For me, they are just bad dreams.
Like working at my jobs I quit. Dealing with the harassment from people who don’t deserve attention, but I was being paid to pay attention. Horrible dreams.
Then I get a rare amazing dream.
A dream that leaves me feeling on cloud nine.
It plays on my hopes and dreams for the future. Even if those dreams are impossible.
I’m not talking anything to do with being an author. Normally those dreams offer good and bad. Trust me, it would be good and bad to become a famous author.
No. This is so much more mundane than that.
I walk out of my bedroom to chatter. Loud chatter. Bring down the house chatter. It was worrying, but I didn’t rush since I knew I wasn’t alone to this task.
I walk out to two small children making breakfast. I’d say eight and four. Maybe? Not old. Kids. Real kids. Who shouldn’t be making breakfast on their own. Unless it was cereal, but they were cracking eggs.
Now I was worried and couldn’t help. Because they were using eggs, I had to keep distance. I’m allergic. And I’m lucky this place, where ever I am, has proper vent hoods in place. I won’t crash and burn just cause these guys want eggs.
Before I can complain about these two, a man walks in from another room. Turns out he didn’t leave them for long. They even explain everything to him that they did between now and then.
I say, “I can’t eat that.”
“No, Mom’s breakfast is already made.” He motions to the dining room. He’s been called Dad. Which would make my dream amazing anyway. He’s handsome. To think I get him for a husband. I’m down. Kids make it even better.
And he cooked! No food actually registers in the dreams, but supposedly he made all my favorites. I even get to use chopsticks. I have no idea what the food is, but I’m proud, amazed, and extremely happy.
And as if to end on a really high note, he mentions trying for another child.
Where’s Cyro in all this? I did question in the dream. And “Dad” said he was studying. He had a major test or tkd thingy or something. It’s Mother’s Day, which is why I got so much. The kids even had gifts for me. The littlest one got me warm fluffy pink slippers. The other got me earrings and necklace with #1 Mom on it. It was sparkly. I loved them.
And none of this is real.
And none of this will be real.
Because death for me is more likely than finding someone to have a family with.
Waking up and recalling the dream made me more depressed. My heart desires what is truly impossible. Not that it’s not possible. More improbable. Because I can have children. I want them. I’m open enough to start a family with someone. Living with them and taking care of them.
But there is no way my health right now allows for anything of the sort.
And my future looks so dim it’s not even noticeable with a high grade telescope.
This entire desire is on the same level as befriending Jiyong. Or becoming famous without any of the negative. Or Cyro making all my sacrifices worthwhile.
None of those are likely. Beyond rare chances. It’s more likely to get pregnant while using a condom and the pill correctly.
And you wonder why I wish to stop fighting.
I’ll just write. It’s all I have left.