I cried myself to sleep last night…
There’s so much we don’t know about others.
When you visit my blog, what do you think of me?
I write about chaos. Anything goes really. I am completely against hate of all types. I’m still unlearning lots of things. I’m unacceptable as I am in real life, and I use writing as a way to gain acceptance.
Is that it?
There should be a level of worry for my psychological well being. But no amount of psych treatment will change the disregard for my existence. I need to change placements and positions to get out of this mess.
I’m intelligent, but without a means to use that. Society never thought females should be smart. Did you know I was better off with male math and science teachers? Because they were more likely to pull me up not push me down. Guess many of my teachers needed to unlearn things.
When I look at others, I wonder the same. So many creatives put forth everything. And we miss half of it. Sometimes, we tell you. Sometimes, people guess. Many guess wrong, but they try. It’s something.
Sometimes, we can’t guess.
무제(無題) (Untitled, 2014) by GDragon.
You probably noted my infatuation with the singer by now. I’m not hiding it. It’s rare for me to fall for someone. And he’s safe enough. I can’t make any mistakes with him. Perhaps if he lived closer to me I might stalk him a little. But he lives on the other side of the world. I wouldn’t even bother to try to find him if I went to Korea. I would have other things to focus on.
GDragon is my free time. He offers hope and relaxation. Most of the time.
This song of his is called Untitled. 무제 has no translation. It’s a made up word. And he’s told no one what it means.
But untitled… It reminds me… I have written a few poems for children who don’t exist.
Lokin was my first pregnancy. All the love in the world wouldn’t make it possible for me to hold him in my arms. I’m a sickling.
무제 may be the named Jiyong picked out for his child he hasn’t had the chance to meet.
The entire album is about him as a person. Now look at the song as if he lost a child before having the chance to meet it.
Does it match?
I had to abort Lokin. It hurt. My health refused, but it still hurt. I still want children. And it seems impossible. For multiple reasons. Michael, my stillborn…
When I listen to this song, it reminds me of those losses.
Perhaps that’s why he refuses to say. Because then people like me can attach whatever meaning we want.
I don’t care if someone claims something about my books even if I didn’t mean it. That’s not completely true. If they claimed a mark of hate, I’m going to respond poorly. Otherwise, though… I’m open. I want the book to fill and fit a gap missing.
I wish I had the chance to meet MuJae. It would be something if she became a singer beside her father. It would be looking at the moon besides the sun.
I’m projecting. It brings comfort and doesn’t hurt anyone though.
Maybe one day Jiyong will tell us what 무제 means. Until then, I look at it like Lokin.
If it is… I hope he knows, he’ll still cry over a loss a decade later.
So many tears.
It’s been 11 years since I lost Michael. It’s been 15 since Lokin. The loss still hurts. But perhaps, the idea I’ll never have any more children or a real family hurts even more. There seems to be no chance of a normal family. It looks impossible.