Who did I idolize as a child?

When I was a kid in elementary school and middle school, this question would pop up. And I would have no answer. I would write an essay bullshitting reasons why it was my mother or my grandmother because there were reasons I should idolized them.

I didn’t. I lied to fill the essay out and turn it in. Because schools care more about completed work than the truth.

It’s not that I never had an idol. I mean my first celebrity interest was/is Gdragon. He’s been the only celebrity that I have any real interest in. Most as a child had some attachment to some person who was out of reach.

I did. But he wasn’t out of reach because he was famous.

Yeah, he. I have a legit person. Shocks me to realize it too.

Part of the reason I never did was because he’s Black. Imagine what my racist teachers would have said if I picked him as my idol. Not just because he’s Black, although they’d call me into their offices for that alone (She’s a little white girl!). He’s also my father’s first wife’s current husband. I’ve mentioned him a few times before on the blog.

He made such an impact on my young brain.

How is it a random Black guy ended up being my idol as a child?

I didn’t realize where he was in my mind and heart as a child because I grew up racist. I was never outwardly racist and I was still likely to protect and complain if I saw racism. But I grew up with the training. So he couldn’t be my idol as a child. Plus I really didn’t get what an ‘idol’ meant. They never explain that when telling us to answer the question. As if I should already know. They would offer a few examples and walk off. You wonder why autistics struggle in public schools.


He was pretty much the only one I saw fighting back against my father.

My father is a horrible person. If you have a chart like me with the list of reasons to distrust people especially whites, he’d check most of them. I’ve mentioned before, if I found a KKK outfit in his closet, I wouldn’t be shocked at all.

So having this Black male come to our family holiday dinners and talk back to my asshole of a father?

Like is he my savior? Will he change things in my life? Is there a chance…?

Realize there was several reasons he could do this. He was in a special position as my father’s ex-wife’s current husband. The law would be on his side because of that. He wouldn’t get the immediate ‘he’s Black; he’s wrong’ that is common in our legal system. We were also in my grandmother’s house. She never accepted racism even if she was incredibly racist herself. So there were allowances that weren’t normally allowed. My father is smart in certain areas, but he couldn’t wrap his mind around the quick words of my idol. My idol had the ability to just use language so that it wasn’t obvious the insults being made. Part of it was because he used AAVE. Partly because he had this way with words. My father’s easily taken under by words. I believe the final reason my idol did as he did was because he wanted to be kicked out. He wanted to be told ‘you went too far; leave’. He toed that line so readily.

No one else in my childhood ever fought my father in any way in front of me. No one fought off my abuser besides him. And he never did it for my sake.

How can I even tell him I wish he was my father not the trash I have?

It’s been years since I saw him. My idol who gave me hope.

He probably has no idea the impact he made on my life. He never did anything for me. I know that. Maybe that’s why I never pinpointed the idol status. He never did it for me. He didn’t care about me more than any other white person. (Perhaps he cares a little more than an average no name white person.) I didn’t need that though. I needed to be told the dragon can be beaten. That knights exist. That even if you are marked the underdog, it doesn’t mean you should bow out of the fight.

Random shower thoughts. [About Cat Hartliebe]

I will not give you his name. There are too many concerns with offering names. His identity is safe. Those in my life will know who this is. That’s all that matters.

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