Personal post; gender; trans; nonbinary
Check out my poems instead if this isn’t a desired read: Poetry Archive
So… I’m genderfluid. My biology goes haphazard randomly affecting my body. Don’t trust the hormones. They’ll send weird messages and just make me think things that aren’t true.
How often have I forgotten I have/don’t have certain body parts? I don’t know.
I hate having my biology try to tell me things. I know it’s not new. I’ve always been this sometimes I’m masculine, sometimes I’m feminine… It’s confusing and wasted so much time.
It makes it easier to see things from different gendered point of views at least. I’ve been full male before. Ignoring the dysphoria (that always exists in some fashion), I was able to perceive the world as a man. Doesn’t matter if people didn’t perceive me that way. I look out not in.
With the internet, I was able to be treated as a male too. Can’t see my body or hear my voice? Well, I can be as I wish then. (And you wonder why so many trans are gamers…)
I’ve gone through all the genders by now. The hardest one for me probably was bigender when both masculine and feminine biology was at full blast… 100% both.
Don’t ask me. I didn’t decide what my body is supposed to do or feel or think.
Anyway, as much as I understand biologically I am genderfluid, which would matter for medicine and whatnot, I’m too tired to keep trying to figure where in the gender pool I actually am at any given moment.
(I wish I understood this issue before trying birth control. I can’t take it. My hormones get fucked because it’s not meant for someone like me.)
I’m tired of weighing which pronoun works. Which classification I fall into to.
I’ve learned and felt as I should.
And I’m just tired.
I can’t study it as a biologist could. It would be fun to see the change in different chemicals about my body and compare it to the gender of the day. But I can’t.
So I’m just saying F-U to gender.
I’m picking my gender so I don’t have to deal with decoding my biological one.
What one could I pick? Where can I see myself all the time?
Thus agender suits best.
I’m excluding myself from gender. Because, honestly, when I fell into agender, I felt most comfortable. I had the least dysphoria. There was no euphoria possible, but that’s a rare event anyway.
It just felt safe.
I’ll never be a woman. I’ll never be a man. I’ll never fit into any category. I’m shocked to have genderfluid be a match. But that isn’t stable.
And I need stable.
So, consider this me claiming an identity.
I am not biologically agender, but I’m claiming it. Because I’m done with figuring out my real gender.
Perhaps after menopause happens, my gender will stop running around the table and settle down.
I don’t think that’s likely.
As a note: All pronouns work for me. No gendered titles. Even Mom can bother me, although I’ll always accept Cyro’s use of it.