Note this is going into sexual attraction. I’m not going into why I am demi romantic. I’m pan-grey-ace.
*personal post* You probably won’t be interested. Try [Poem: Tree of Knowledge]
I never understood attraction, but that didn’t mean I never felt it. I recall the memories well of every single person I was sexually attracted to. Because it is something special. And I do not have thousands of people to recall.
I’m still counting on one hand while being thirty five.
I have a larger group I find ascetically pleasing. A good looking non-white person is likely to fall into that category. My mistrust for whites makes none of them pleasing to the eyes. Not even my own body truly is.
But when it comes to legit sexual attraction…
My first case was when I was in middle school. It shouldn’t be shocking. Most humans who have sexual attraction start noting them in middle school. It shouldn’t be forced as society does. It should happen naturally.
She was gorgeous. All the curves in all the right places. Sun kissed skin that was to die for. Lots of black hair (which has been the only common trait of all of them) that I wanted to run my hair through.
She had moved to Brick from Puerto Rico. The light she brought with her was… I was caught first moment.
It might have been why someone asked me if I was attracted to females shortly thereafter. I said no. I also said no to the question if I was interested in males.
I am interested in everyone. My sexual attraction is limited, but I’m still interested in everyone in their own way. Some of you only get platonic attraction.
For the second person to set off my sexual attraction, we need jump in time to when I was finishing college. I had to take my final semester with a year and half delay. Because child pushed it off that much. My friend from college started chatting with me and told me about his friend.
Yes. Number two was a Korean American who wanted absolutely nothing to do with a relationship, but didn’t mind the idea of having sex. It had me aware of what it means to be sexually attracted to someone you’re having sex with. It’s so much better. The sex wasn’t better in general, but my reactions and interest in the sex was higher. Skill isn’t as needed when attraction is there.
He offered me a short relationship that fell completely apart. We wanted very different things.
Then again… What I want is a lifelong partner, marriage, co-parent, a stable future… No one fits what I need. It’s why I’m excluding myself from the dating pool (Minus if GD asks. Shush! I’m living in a dream world.)
The third person I was sexually attraction to was my son’s taekwondo master. Yeah, another sexy Korean American. This one was closer to my age. The one I had a relationship with was far too old for me (something I never would’ve done if there wasn’t attraction). Being attracted to someone not available? Trouble. Being attracted to someone you have to have a professional relationship with? So much trouble. Nothing came of it. I’d even say we’re friends. I’d never touch that even if my attraction is there. He’s happily married and was so since the first moment I met him.
You know, this has already reached my late twenties and that concludes all the people I met in real life that I’m attracted to.
The only add to this sexual attraction group is GD and TOP. Not any of the other K-pop singers. Not random Koreans besides. Not any random musician besides. They are the first and so far only celebrities I’ve ever been attracted to.
There have been singers and writers that I adorable in some fashion. Their music hits the right notes. Their movement comforts me in some way. The way they tackle media and the public issues is… Calming.
I do love everyone. In some way. My love for others is special. I see you as a living thing and wish to offer you the support as a living thing.
But some I wish for more than just to cheer from the sidelines like a mother praising their child.
So… I have been attracted to five people over the course of thirty five years. I am not looking to increase the total. I’m not looking to find someone who’ll pull me back into the dating pool.
I have nothing going for me.
I’m more useless than valuable.
It’s safer if I just soak into the attraction I have for GD than try to sate my true desires in life.
To be the mother and homemaker. To be wife and caregiver. To support another.
And I can wish for those things while being a feminist. You don’t see me treating them as the only answer in life.
I am pan-grey-ace. And one day my attraction number may actually get larger than five. Who knows? As time moves forward, it’s likely I’ll meet another who hits the right notes.
Until then… Until life changes for me… Until I have a new reason to hope, I’m just going to lean into my attraction for Kwon Jiyong.
The rest of you aren’t going to make me change my mind. I’m not looking.