Nanowrimo 2021 update: Nov 21th

So [With U] has been posted in its entirety. A full fledged novel (the second) about me and GD getting together. The absurdity of it is bonkers. False fiction narrative that it is. [Idol’s Gaze] is the first novel.

Why do I call them false fiction narrative? Fiction narratives are possible stories. What if situations that you probably should plan for or expect. Things that happen in real life, just I did not use real life events or people. It’s likely, plausible.

When I place ‘false’ before fiction narrative, I’m saying even if it CAN be real life, it’s highly likely. We’re talking I’m more likely to win the lottery (that I don’t even play) than have GD just randomly appear in my life. Not to mention have him like me. That doesn’t even seem plausible.

So both stories, even if they can be conceivable, aren’t really possible. I’d call it fantasy, but there’s no element of fantasy within the works.


시우’s story has stalled. I wrote those 161 words on the first day and continuously had bad days since. I’ve been struggling immensely. And I need to be at the top of my game to pull off a story in a language I don’t have confidence in. I may have to hold off of 시우의 story until I have more confidence in Korean. Or I get a series of good days in a row.

That doesn’t seem likely. Either of them. I just don’t have time or money or friends who can help me to really boost my skills. I’m going very slowly. I’m not a complete fail, but I’m not anywhere beyond beginner yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever make it past beginner. It’s not like learning the language would improve my life. Just like German doesn’t improve it.

Recall my disabilities make all writing, words, and language extra difficult. My learning disabilities make my special interest harder on me.

I’ve always been a storyteller. I’ve always tried to write. But it’s been hard reaching the level that says any level of quality. And I really need more [Support].


I started Gold Star Member on November 9th. I stalled out on it. It’s a tough story to write for me. And the weight of putting out nearly 100k words in one month where I’m struggling with life has me failing even more.

I do like the story. It would be my first Cat Hartliebe novella/novel. So this will be set to publish ASAP. So it’s being started this month and hopefully will be published before Nano next year. Poke me a few times and it’ll find it’s way to the public.

I don’t mind it.

But it’s not triggering. I’ll have a content warning, but nothing is triggering. Which means I’m not writing out my traumas. And that makes it tough on me. This is not stress reduction writing. This is writing for an audience. And I can do that to an extent. But I need breaks. And I’m breaking. I’ll be back at it soon. I’ll force myself to be.


Today, as I’m floundering with Gold Star Member, I began a story that’s been tormenting me for years now.

Lenape Shaman

My ancestor picked staying here with a rich white gentleman over going with her family on what we now call the Trail of Tears. She’s been nagging me to write the story. I hope I offer her justice.

The problem being…

If I could write those stories, we wouldn’t lose them. Our family’s real history would be written down. But… I… I sigh and pass on. To write it out in Lenape is impossible. Our language doesn’t have a written part. And only in hell would I write it in English.

She has been the type to beg me to write it down and suggest if I do so in English, I’ll burn forever in eternity. And Hell isn’t really the word that should be used. But that’s how the word translates best into English.

I wish I had a chance to learn the language of the Lenape. But genocide worked here. The people aren’t gone. But the culture has been destroyed. It’s broken from loss of home, loss of people, forced movement, and forced involvement of others.

Lenape is my home. It’s always been. I call it New Jersey because people wouldn’t accept another answer. Sorry.


So, I’m now at 91,758 words. In four stories. One is complete at 62k words. Two are stalled at 161 and 25k words. And I just started a new one that’s already clocking in at 3k.

What’s next in my nano journey? I don’t know. Ask again tomorrow.

I won (50k) on the 7th. I completed With U on the 9th. Let’s see what’s next.


[Nano SS: 시우의 story] [Hmm… Nano Story 2021 Idol’s Gaze Version 2.0] [Nano2021 Update: Nov 9th]

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