Tomorrow, my last poem will post. And that’s it for scheduled posts.
I haven’t been active here. Like at all. For quite some time. I needed a complete break from everything writing.
And that’s pretty much it.
I haven’t really been writing. I’ve let life take control of me. Things are chaos – as is typical of life.
I’m trying to focus on finding a direction and future I can aim at. I have lots of skills and open to many different options.
But I’m also a single parent, disabled physically and mentally, poor, seen as a female (genderfluid is seen even lower it seems), etc.
Plus I am choosing child first. Cyro needs me to pick them first. There’s been a lot of damage done to them. I’m only one person. At least I notice they need more than just a casual pat on the back. I wish I was stronger and more capable of everything.
I’m getting my health up. I’m building a little safe haven in my room. I’m trying much harder at things.
Cat Hartliebe and Tod Leben aren’t disappearing. I’m just not working on them intensely. My poem book will be out sooner rather than later. I’ll get that non fiction writing help book out next year as well. But beyond that? I don’t know.
I’m tired of fighting. I can’t sell. I never could. I know how and still can’t. If something flips and I just start succeeding at my writing, you’ll see this bloom again.
I don’t know where I’ll be this time next year.
I don’t know what my goals really are.
I can’t work customer service. I can’t do minimum wage work. I have to somehow find a part time position that will grant me over 40k annual salary. If I don’t jump from 10k to 40k, the cost of healthcare and student loans will drown me more than everything does now.
I don’t even feel right asking for help. It doesn’t feel as if anyone actually cares about me.
I’m directionless. Minus child. Just… Focusing on child is making me lose all hope. It’s more like a chain I’m wearing. Trapped. There’s nothing for me by focusing on them.
I still have to. Their future is bleak if I let them continue as they are.
[Poem: I Climbed the Tallest Tree] is something Cyro is starting to truly understand. And that should make you very worried. Medical support doesn’t really exist when you don’t fit the mold. And add that on to the very limited healthcare we have. It’s tough.
If I didn’t have enough skill and awareness to truly be thinking of a PhD in psych, this would be beyond me too. My skills in social work and psych… I never thought they were good enough. But, I’ve saved people in a way I never would’ve guessed I could do.
So I am pushing myself without getting any support of my own. To give Cyro a real chance.
I can’t spend the time if I don’t have it. I’m releasing in to my poetry. I don’t gain as much from fiction writing as I do from poetry. So I’m doubling down there and ignoring the rest.
Editing, revising, even formatting takes more than I can handle right now.
So Cat Hartliebe, Tod Leben, and Cat Gillette will be on hiatus.
The blog will not be in use. The websites and all previous stuff will still be available. Perhaps I’ll write something at some point.
Like I want to write a post about compliment vs complement. It’s a little thing. Small knowledge that not everyone knows.
But I don’t know when I will. I don’t know when I’ll finish the poem book (formats are done; its technically good enough right now to publish, but…). I don’t know when I’ll organize and edit all the [Writing Stuff]. But I will at some point next year.
And if things don’t improve…
I don’t know.
I Climbed the Tallest Tree has a partner now. A recent post on Instagram: [I Walked Past].
I need so much more than being offered.
I’m sorry if I’m not the person you thought I was. I’m so much more broken than I let the world know. Because every time I sought for support and help, it’s only made things worse.
I’m not good enough. For anything.
But I’ll keep trying. I’ll find a light. I’ll build a bridge. I’ll figure out a new path.
I have to.
No one else is building it for me.
And child needs that bridge built.
[All the Books] has all my options currently (I think). I’m trying to keep it updated. Support me by buying one. And leave a review. That’s how books sell without me pushing them.
I also wouldn’t mind chatting. Instagram accepts DMs (please start with something like ‘I liked your poem such and such’ and not a bot comment). I have google chats: CatHartliebe@gmail.com which you can also use as my email. It’s hooked to my phone (all of these options), so I’ll be able to respond readily.
I do not take kindly to sexual advances. I do not want bots. I’m not seeking a relationship. Please leave me alone if you think that’s how you can help. No, you can’t. Just keep your compliments to yourself. I don’t want them. (As if I didn’t create [Compliment Me].)
But I’d love to chat as friends or writers or about chaos. I’m autistic savant with a thirst for knowledge. No topic is too outlandish. You’ll be blocked though if your comments lean into sexual or bias-ism. I am not afraid to block.
If there is a post you desire from me, a topic, a writing comment, about one of my stories, etc, etc, let me know. Leave a comment here (I get an email when comments appear), or send me an email.
I wish you well. I hope your life is better than mine. I wish for all the luck to be offered in full. You have gained the blessing of a creature of existence. Please use it wisely.