Personal Post: Failing Gym

Failing gym.

It’s a common experience of trans individuals.

Who manages to fail gym? There’s no expectation beyond get changed and try.

But for those of us who don’t fit the gender expectations handed to us? ‘Get changed’ is a much harder concept.

Sophomore year, I ‘failed’ gym. The only reason it was Ds and not Fs was because I had a 504. I wasn’t allowed to be failed for not using the locker room. They tried to accommodate me by offering the bathroom. But dysphoria… Bathrooms are just as bad.

The 504 let me graduate high school with honors. I aced senior year. Not because my fluidity made it easier, but because I understood the requirements. I accepted the pain. I internalized it. I kept taking damage.

I still do.

Every time I’m in public, I’m playing their game. I’m accepting their expectations. I’m not allowed to have my own. I’m not allowed to be me.

Public bathrooms were something I hated. Gender neutral is still uncommon, but even more so back then. It was never a safe place for me. I never fit.

I recall being this small child in elementary gym class. ‘Let’s split into boys and girls!’ The longing. I remember that longing. That misplacement. I was a small child. Before puberty. Before anyone really said anything to me about gender.

I hated when society tried to force me into something. And this was forced. I was forced to pretend.

I always loved modeling. And that’s what I lean into to handle things without completely breaking down.

There was never a time in my life gender didn’t make me feel wrong.

I don’t fit.

And many like me suffered the same.

And I really wish Cyro doesn’t gain the same abuse. But this world still doesn’t have gender free zones. Because white supremacy says ‘Females need protection, because they are items to care for’.

Trans rights… It’s the same fight as all the rest. We’ll never win if white supremacy is given any stand. And that’s how we’re failing. Because so many refuse to believe all of them fall back to this one.

Because so many trans white people refuse to admit the problem is white supremacy. They gain too much. They refuse to believe it exists.

And we all suffer.

This is the same battle.

We’re in a war.

We’ll keep failing out of gym if we keep refusing to see. I wish it was just gym, we keep failing at.

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